They should've cremated Jackson Wainscott
by snake screamer
Summary: A tribute to one of Red Witch stories (This will be a two parter).
1. Part 1

_This is my unofficial tribute to Red Witch fic "I Have Come Not To Praise Jackson Wainscott" This is what happen during the funeral sequence. I hope you enjoy it._

"You know this church is pretty rundown." Archer said as he looked around the place. "You would think a rich guy would have picked a better place to hold a eulogy for his dad."

"Heck, I think even his mother paid more for the pigmy funeral expenses." Ray muttered

"Meh, maybe his wife being tightfisted about it. According to Archer "Uncle" stories I doubt she go all out for her father in-law ." Pam said

"Yeah i'm still surprise her son called Mallory to come here to see this Jackson guy." Cyril said "I mean, wouldn't that be weird."

"Weird as in Miss Archer weird photo with her and that dead dog of hers or weird as in Krieger eyeing the corpse like he want to dissect it?" Pam asked

"Oh please, i have a much better idea then simply dissecting." Krieger said

"Ew." Almost everyone muttered.

"What weird is that a man willingly invited his father ex-fling to the day of his death. You don't suppose they have something bad plan do you?"

"No Cyril I don't, but in case i'm wrong i brought shotguns, some smoke bombs, even a few hatchet just in case." Archer said taking a drink and getting some surprise looks. "What?"

"Why would you bring all that for a funeral." Ray asked incredulously.

"Well remember when i mentioned Mother getting into a shouting match with Uncle Rich ex-wife."

"Yes..."

"Well let just say said ex-wife was the-"

* * *

"Sister of a triad leader, are you kidding me?" Lana asked

"What? it not my fault that after me, he developed bad taste in women." Mallory said "Although i will concede Richard was always the thrill-seeker sort, thankfully not like Salvio of course."

"Uh-uh. so your telling me you purposely went to his funeral fully aware that she would be there along with many triads member just to have a "Word" with you." Lana said

"I heard he left me something in his will. Besides I had sniper posted around the funeral in case that bitch tried anything."

"And that how you escape alive."

"No actually that bitch was actually trying to be peaceful and one of those moronic sniper got drunk. That bitch made me pay for both Rich funeral as well as the dead grunt, and i know for a fact that women probably just dump that stupid grunt body in a river somewhere. But the point remain I still could have died and therefore the precaution" Mallory grumbled.

"Right... well here's hoping that this funeral won't end like that." Lana muttered, glad she left AJ to be babysit (Who shouldn't be provoke by Mallory this time) and regretting asking why Mallory made Archer bring all those weapons along.

* * *

"Yeah why wouldn't it, they have to be blind not to give it to me." Cheryl said.

"What the hell are you talking about." Ray said

"My award duh, were obviously at a a place to get a reward." Cheryl said

"Ah-ha! so you do remember Cherlene!" Archer said

"Who Cherlene? i'm talking about some of the greatest fires i ever started." Cheryl said.

"Okay i know your both drunk and drugged, but why would ANYONE give you a award for starting fires?" Ray asked incredulously.

"Cause I am creative when it comes to my flames. well except when I burn that money Cyril gave me. That I just threw in the dumpster to make it last longer."

'What the- You told me it was a volatile year!" Cyril said annoyed.

"Cyril, i know your pissed but i think even Krieger AI whining girlfriend would point out that she obviously burn the money when she uses the world volatile." Pam said

Cyril just mumbled annoyed as the funeral began.

* * *

"Hmm, it quiet, I don't like it." Mallory muttered

"I thought quiet was a good thing." Lana whispered

"Not with those morons." Mallory growled "At least when there loud I know there just being moronic but contained, but when i can't hear them i can't help to think there some how purposely trying to screw me over."

"Mallory relax you're over-thinking this. Jackson coming up to deliver his eulogy for his father, and i am sure everyone has already fallen asleep drunk or perhaps ditch it to get pancakes." Lana said, regretting she mention the last part as Mallory began to growl angrily. "Look if your really that worry just crane your head to the side since were sitting at the edge and see that all of them are still there."

Mallory grunted but still turn her head to look. She could see Sterling, Ray, Cyril and- "Oh no there gone."

"What?" Lana said looking at what Mallory was talking about only to realize both Krieger and Cheryl were gone "Ahh... maybe it's not too bad."

"Not that bad. The pyromaniac and mad scientist are gone!" Mallory seethed.

* * *

"And soon you will be out of that coffin and into my lab... or my apartment, either works." Krieger said in the church basement as he began to saw upward. "Plus i'm getting rid of my old experiment that Ms. Archer told me to get rid of, so it's a win-win."

* * *

"Yeah, if you're a idiot." Ray said

"Oh come on. I can't be the only one to think she force us here just to see how junior compares to the old man."

"First of all eww. Second, i kinda doubt it. She really wants that dead guy money." Archer said

"She can do both." Pam said

"Hey uh, shouldn't we look for Cheryl and Krieger they been taking a long time in the bathroom." Cyril said

"Why, were not their guardians." Ray said

"Yeah but the floor made of wood, and considering her tendency to set fire."

"Oh relax you big crybaby! I took both her box of matches and lighter before we got in." Pam said as Wainscott approaches the stand in front of all the pews and his father's closed coffin. He clears his throat and all of the people look at him and he begins to speak.

"My father was a massive figure in my life." Wainscott began only for someone to ran from the side and knocked him to the side.

"Welp Cyril, we found her." Archer said

"Hey everybody. First of all i want to thank everyone here for coming, even if we have to hold this special event with a dead guy coffin. Anywho i would like to thanks the guy who sent the invitation as they didn't invite my brother stupid vegan girlfriend. Next i would-"

"Is she giving thanks to that stupid award ceremony she was talking about?" Ray asked

"Looks like, though it maybe her last considering how Ms. Archer looking at her like she going slit Cheryl throat." Pam said

"And another thank you is for Ms Archer, who probably did some really weird old people sex. I mean really weird, like she probably shove a dildo up his ass while he was tied up to his chair."

half the room blanched at the mental imagery (Especially Lana and Archer who were reminded of the italian prime minister incident.) while the other mutter angrily at Cheryl for saying stuff like that in a funeral.

* * *

"Man, that is some inappropriate stuff for a funeral speech." Krieger said underneath coffin and hidden by the drapes on top of the bier. He was currently underneath the coffin as he was removing the body only to lose grip. Krieger winced as Wainscott body crashed. "Welp, hope no one heard that." Krieger said as he quickly placed the bottom back to the coffin.

* * *

Krieger didn't have to worry about that though as Cheryl was at the part of her speech where (For some reason.) started howling like a monkey.

"Well at least she not howling like a werewolf." Ray muttered

"Yeah i don't think people would appreciate a crazy person biting them." Archer said

"I don't think they appreciate us now." Cyril gulped as he noticed the glares directed at them.

"Relax it should be other soon." Pam said

"Really?"

"Yeah, you can tell how much she itching both arm, she getting drug withdrawal." Pam stated.

* * *

"So anyway thanks for the award, just mail it to my house or whatever." Cheryl said as she ran down the aisle.

"Thank god." Mallory mutter through clench teeth. "I had to keep reminding myself not to shoot her in the face. I swear if she wasn't rich I would have gotten rid of her along time ago."

"Well at least what i assume to be the worst is over." Lana said wincing both currently living Wainscott had at the spectacle with the son ordering chorus to start singing.

* * *

And so far it been a quiet until chorus and both Archer (And a return Krieger) both started shouting them to sing 'Free Bird'.

 _This story ain't over yet. there still one more chap to go (and if you read the last part of that story i think you can guess what that is.)_


	2. Part 2

_Here's the second part. ENJOY!_

"Okay, I know we told Krieger to put it back. In fact i was fully on board for that. but I don't see why is WHY we have to help him put the dead guy back in the ground!" Archer shouted in the nights air.

"Well technically Krieger took him during the funeral so it not technically putting back in the ground-" Cyril began to say to be interrupted by Archer who shouted "I was being dramatic Cyril!"

"Will you keep it down." Ray said annoyed.

"Yeah you don't see me or Ray complaining." Krieger said

"You don't get to talk Krieger, this is your fault this suit is ruin!" Archer snapped

"And why were doing this in the first place!" Cyril said

"Oh come on, if it anyone fault it's Ms. Archer fault. She should know better then to lead me to something like a funeral." Krieger said.

"Look can we bitch about this AFTER this is done." Ray said annoyed, the others grunted as they continued to dig in the dirt.

"You know what i find annoying." Archer said.

"I'm going to regret asking but what do you find annoying?"

"Oh gee ray, I don't know maybe it's the spooky cemetery at night. Maybe it's the humidity, or perhaps i don't know... IT'S ONLY US FOUR DOING THE ACTUAL DIGGING!" Archer said

* * *

"Of course i'm not going to help dig, do you know how much these funeral clothes cost." Mallory said. She, Lana and Pam were on lookout (They only brought Cheryl along to make sure

"All i'm saying it be a LOT quicker if we were all pitching in." Lana said "I mean you do kinda owe the family that much."

"Absolutely not! They kicked me out and lure me under false pretenses!" Mallory said

"Right cause you thought you could get money out of this." Pam said.

"Plus there is the fact you broke Mrs. Wainscott Nose." Lana said

"She did, when?" Cheryl asked curiously

"Right after she called security punched her, both me and Archer literally had to grab Mallory before she could do worse."

"Aww, no one punched me in the nose!" Cheryl said annoyed.

"Shut up." Mallory stated "And quite frankly she deserve it."

"Whether she was or doesn't is not the point. We're lucky that the husband decided not to sue us for assault before they threw us out. I rather not test how far his patience goes when he learns Krieger stole his dad dead body for who's know what-" Lana stated when a loud scream was heard. "What was that!"

"Considering it came from Wainscott grave i rather not know so i can claim deniability." Mallory stated

* * *

"Good lord Krieger what the heck is that!?" Cyril said disturbed.

"What? You never seen a Snake/Man/Beetle chimera with it's head cut off?" Krieger asked surprised

"Yes, and i was quite happy about it! why would you make it!?" Cyril said hysterically

"Huh, honestly i can't remember. but i did recall it trying to kill me, so i grab a axe to take care of that. But man was Ms. Archer pissed when she saw the mess and told me to get rid of it, saying something about CIA not knowing about this"

"Then why didn't you just cremate the thing." Ray said

"Can't, fireproof skin." Krieger said.

"What?" Ray asked flatly.

"Yeah i made it completely fireproof, acid proof too. That why i decided to bury smakbeetly and lucky enough Ms. Archer invited me to this funeral thing."

"Okay, Smakbeetly is a terrible name for that chimera thing." Archer said

"Fair enough."

"And B) that still doesn't explain what you were planning to do with Wainscott body after you're little switcheroo." Archer said

"Oh see while doing work on this guy i started reading this book. It done by this women by the name Mary Shelley. it got me really intrigue and when i looked up Wainscott, i noticed that his head-"

"On second thought i don't wanna know." Archer said

"I second that."

"Ditto."

"Aww, i didn't even get to what i was going to do." Krieger said annoyed

* * *

"Good, that great! we should be home soon and thank you so much for this Ron. Okay bye." Lana said "Well at least Abbiejean having a pleasant night sleep."

"Nobody cares what you're gross babies does." Cheryl said.

"You know..." Lana said annoyed

"Hmm, i just realize something." Pam said

"And that would be?" Mallory said, rather listening to Pam rambling then hearing Cheryl and Lana complain.

"I was wondering if Krieger made sure to keep that stiff eyes close."

"And that would be important cause?"

"Cause i remember hearing somewhere that if a dead person's eyes are left open, he'll find someone to take with him." Pam said.

"Pam that is by far and in the way, the stupidest words i have heard from your mouth." Mallory said annoyed "we seen more dead bodies then even a normal spy agency and that has not happen once."

"Yeah but i heard it's only occur during funeral, and we haven't been to a lot of those." Pam pointed

"Pam."

"Yes Ms. Archer."

"I am going to give you a choice. Either shut up or I will unleash all the rage from not only today but from all the other day to make you shut up... permanently." Mallory said. "Good."

* * *

"Not good! i don't want to carry that thing body." Ray said

"Too bad, I can't leave Krieger Alone or he'll just sneak off with parts from another dead guy for his frankenstein project." Archer stated

"Oh come on, i don't want any old part, they at most have to be at least partly fresh." Krieger said

"And Cyril already stuffing Wainscott back in there so it's your job to carry that thing back in there."

Ray sighed as he walked to carry "Smakbeetly" corpse.

"And for pete sake remember to lift with you're legs this time." Archer said annoyed.

"I know, i know. Yeesh lift with you're back instead of bionic legs once and they won't let you forget it." Ray grumbled, At least glad Krieger put the thing in the box so he wouldn't have to touch and/or look at it."

"Okay he back in the coffin. Now all we have to do is reburied it and we can leave." Cyril said.

"Good, at least reburying is easier." Archer said as he, Cyril and Krieger got to work. pretty soon the grave was properly buried.

* * *

"Oh look there coming over." Pam said as they could see Krieger, Archer and Cyril carrying the shovel."

"Did you complete it?" Mallory asked

"Yes Mother it's done, were not complete morons." Archer said.

"Wait where's Ray?" Lana asked.

"Putting Krieger switcheroo in the trunk back in the car, and quite frankly you rather not know what lets lets just it's one of his ugliest creations." Archer said

"Oh please i have WAY ugliers ones." Krieger said insulted as they started to head back to the van.

"Wait, i just realize something... what did you do with the head?" Cyril asked Krieger

"The head?" Mallory questioned

"Don't ask." Archer sighed

"Oh simple i had different plans for it." Krieger said

* * *

K.V.G (Krieger Virtual Girlfriend). looked over a mix n match of various part for a doubleheaded frankenstein project (With smakbeetly head serving as the right one.)

"I still say this is a step down from the cyborg thing." She muttered.

 _And here's part 2, hope you enjoy it._


End file.
